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STAN THE MAN
- Thursday, December 26 2002 17:56:13
Marvel Comics announced last week that it would come out with a miniseries featuring its long-time Western hero, the Rawhide Kid. The Kid was introduced by Marvel in 1955, during a lull in superhero popularity, but the character hasn’t had his own comic book since 1979. Now, in a miniseries called Rawhide Kid: Slap Leather, Marvel is bringing the Kid out of the closet for the first gay comic-book Western. Despite the title, the story won’t be gay porn. According to Marvel, writer Ron Zimmerman will use double-entendre and euphemisms to reveal the character’s homosexuality. Take, for example, the Kid’s appreciation of cowboy competitor the Lone Ranger: " I think that mask and powder-blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around. - thank you masked man.By the way,I'm not gay-not that there is anything wrong with most of my fellow cowboy freinds are gay.My fathers is gay.I hear Hawkeye was gay....'' As you can imagine, the anti-homosexual right is incensed. Peter Spriggs of the Family Research Council objected, " This is one more example of children being indoctrinated with pro-homosexual viewpoints by the popular media. " Andrea Lafferty of the Traditional Values Coalition protested, " They’re pitching this as a comic book for kids.... Again, homosexuality has invaded the childhood of so many kids. " Last week, Marvel icon Stan Lee debated Lafferty on Crossfire. While Lafferty spent the whole segment insisting that Marvel was out to convert kids, conservative host Tucker Carlson spent the last half of the interview asking Lee over and over again whether the character of Robin (Batman’s sidekick) was also gay. Carlson didn’t seem to understand when Lee told him that Robin belonged to DC Comics, a completely different company. Lafferty, Carlson, and the other right-wing pundits who have jumped on this issue are being ridiculously ignorant, but not for the reason you might think. The left and the right can argue about the morality of homosexuality until the cows come home, but the idea that comic books are popular with kids is about as mired in the past as Trent Lott’s affection for Jim Crow. Despite a string of big-budget comic-based movies, the comic-book industry itself is really hurting. Kids love comics associated with their favorite Japanese cartoons, such as Dragon Ball, but a decade of price increases and writing for the older " fanboys " has almost eliminated the pre-teen audience for standard superhero comics. Prices have more than doubled in the last decade — the cheapest comic today is $2.25 — while allowances haven’t kept up. Comic books have disappeared from the places where kids once found them, such as drugstores and bookstores. Venturing into a comic-book specialty shop often leads to a run-in with a real-life version of The Simpsons’ obnoxious " Comic Book Guy. " Complicated continuities have made it nearly impossible for new readers to jump into the middle of a long-running series. Any kids who fell in love with Spider-Man after the summer blockbuster would find a different hero in the comics — 30 years old, moody, and separated from his now-wife, Mary Jane. A new Spider-Man series, developed to restart Spidey’s history for new readers, is expensive and quickly snapped up by collectors instead of teenagers. Kids who aren’t reading comics become adults who aren’t reading comics, and the customer base for these expensive graphic novels and reprint collections gets smaller and smaller. The fact is, Marvel doesn’t want kids to buy Rawhide Kid comics — it is coming out on an imprint, MAX, specifically marked for adult readers. But it’s dying for kids to buy comics featuring Spider-Man, X-Men, the Fantastic Four, and all the other old standards. A gay cowboy will get Marvel news, and some angry Christians, but it won’t help the company dip into the wallets of the 13-year-olds whose parents loved Marvel Comics 25 years ago.And next Superman will be coming out-along with Spider-Man,Captain America,Prince Namor,the Hulk,Bat-Man,the X-Men,Wolverine, Issue Date: December 19 - 26, 2002 Back to the News and Features table of contents. homeric only at Marvel and DC. Marvel Comics To Unveil Gay Gunslinger -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pink Rawhide by Jed Lang 365Gay.com Entertainment The Rawhide Kid is coming out. It is the first time that a major comic book company, in this case Marvel Comics, has established that its title character is one of us. The word comes on the heels of a "Rage Gay Crusader" comic developed by gay artist Joe Phillips and based on the strips featured in Queer As Folk, and the introduction of a gay plot in DC comics Green Lantern comics. There are already gay characters in comics such as North Star of the "X-Men" series. Expect Rawhide, who made his comics debut in the 1950s, to come out of the closet in February. Rawhide is the fastest gun in the West and a longtime hot seller for Marvel. "The Kid was always shown as a shy-around-girls kind of guy," says Marvel's editor-in -chief Joe Quesada. "Now you know why." "This is going to be the first gay Western," says Quesada. Don't expect Rawhide to blast his way out of the closet though. Quesada says the Kid won't make any pronouncements about his sexuality but promises readers will "know it from the moment you see him." "It's a classic Western, like (the movie) ‘Shane,' but with a gay twist," said writer Ron Zimmerman. While the story has "a comedic slant," Zimmerman said he hopes the 21st-century kid is "an empowering character that the gay community would be able to embrace." But maybe we should have seen it coming. In the very first edition of the series, in 1957, The Rawhide Kid comments about the Lone Ranger: "I think that mask and the powder blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around." Marvel is planning six Rawhide Kid stories over the next six months. After looking at the response to those issues they will decide whether to continue production and whether they would be interested in more series with gay title characters. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Return of The Rawhide Kid By Jesse Monteagudo Jesse's Journal Like many gay kids, I grew up on comic books AND BEING AN IGNORANT DOPE LEARNED NOTHING-NOTHING,SGT SHULTZ. Living in a place where I did not fit in, I sought escape in a world of muscular men and powerful women: Superman, Batman andWonder Woman. (As the class nerd who made it big, The Amazing Spider-Man would have been an ideal role model, but I never read his comix-UNTIL HE BECAME GAY.) More precisely, I wanted to be the boy companion - Jimmy Olsen or Robin - who would hang out with Superman or Batman, share their adventures and even get tied up sometimes. (Comix where the hero gets tied up were my particular favorites.) Not till much later did I hear about Dr. Fredric Wertham's anti-comic diatribe, Seduction of the Innocent: The Influence of Comic Books on Today's Youth (1954), where the doctor claimed that Batman and Robin were a gay couple who had a corruptive influence on impressionable young boys. I was never a fan of Marvel Comics, which is probably why I never heard of The Rawhide Kid. According to Don Markstein's "Toonopedia" (www.toonopedia.com), The Kid first appeared in 1955, at a time when Western comix and TV shows were popular. Like other cowboy heroes of the day, the Kid "was a typical gunfighter, roaming from town to town and getting into trouble." Not surprisingly, his first comic only lasted for 16 issues. In 1960 The Rawhide Kid was revived by author Stan Lee and artist Jack Kirby, who were soon to make history with The Amazing Spider-Man. This time The Kid was given a name - Johnny Bart; a history - he was an orphan raised by his Uncle Ben in the town of Rawhide, Texas; and a motive - owlhoots killed his Uncle. This time The Kid was here to stay, as he and his horse Apache fought varmints for more than 150 issues, till May of 1979. He even had a mini-series in 1985 and teamed-up with The Avengers in the 1990's. But you can't keep a good Kid down, and the powers that be at Marvel decided to bring The Rawhide Kid back on a regular basis, but with a twist. The gunslinger who used to be shy around women emerges as a gay man in a new comic book that Marvel has tentatively titled Rawhide Kid: Slap Leather [!]. Though openly gay characters have graced the pages of underground and adult comix (not to mention Leyland Publications' Meatmen books) for decades, The Rawhide Kid will be the first gay title character to emerge from one of the major comic book publishers. The Kid's adventures out of the cowboy closet will be chronicled by Howard Stern's pal Ron Zimmerman - who called The Kid "an empowering character that the gay community would be able to embrace" - and drawn by veteran artist John Severin. The first issue is scheduled to appear in February, and I can hardly wait. Realizing how controversial the concept of a gay hero is, the folks at Marvel decided to give The Kid a light touch and a cautious approach. "He doesn't come out and say he's gay," said Joe Quesada, Marvel's Editor-In-Chief at Marvel. "But it's obvious through his actions and the things he says that his preference is men, not women."[UNTIL MARVEL EDITORS SAY OTHERWISE,AS THEY OFTEN DO-SO DON'T CHEER YET,RAWHIDE KID SEEMS TO STILL BE IN A CLOSET-IF THERE AT ALL. He certainly has a better fashion sense than the average cowpoke. The online gay magazine Datalounge, never one to mince words, described his "broad shouldered and slim hipped frame [as] lovingly outfitted in a double-row sky-blue button-front leather pantsuit paired with a white hat and matching Beaver-skin gloves". Only a gay man would wear such an outfit, IMHO. If that wasn't enough, The Kid will make sly remarks and innuendos that would make his sexual orientation clear to anyone who's in the life. For example, in the first issue of Rawhide Kid: Slap Leather, The Kid expresses his admiration for The Lone Ranger: "I think that mask and powder-blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why that Indian follows him around." The Kid is also fond of Wild Bill Hickock, who in the original draft he calls a"very nice man. Big - ahem - I mean bigger than life." Unfortunately, Stan Lee, now Chairman Emeritus of Marvel Comics,WHO IS SUING MARVEL OVER VARIUOS OTHER THINGS agreed with the critics that the Wild Bill Hickock quip was in bad taste and ordered that it be removed from the finished product. Needless to say, the religious right is in a frenzy over the whole idea of a gay cowboy hero. Andrea Lafferty, Executive Director of the Traditional Values Coalition, went on CNN's Crossfire, expressing her fears that some young boy somewhere might grab a copy of Rawhide Kid: Slap Leather and be homosexually corrupted. Lafferty ignores the fact that most comic readers today are adults, and that Marvel will publish Rawhide Kid: Slap Leather under its adult imprint Max which will feature a parental advisory label. As far as the RR critics are concerned, Dr. Wertham might be dead but his crusade lives on. Other critics, from our side of the fence, worry that the comic's campy tone and smart attire will turn The Rawhide Kid into a caricature. There is nothing wrong with camp humor, especially in a genre often that takes itself too seriously. But why the ambiguity? Why can't Marvel give us a hero who says that he's gay and who has a gay life and has gay friends or even, God forbid, has gay sex? Like the creators of Will and Grace, Marvel wants to have it both ways, by giving us a character who will attract gays without alienating straights. "The original Kid was campy and irreverent. I think they're trying to recreate that," said Cathy Renna, News Media Director for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). "There will be the same complaints we hear about Will Truman: he's an asexual, stereotypical gay guy. Why not just go for it? It may be a lost opportunity." The Rawhide Kid has been in the closet too long. Let's see what happens when he comes out. > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesse Monteagudo is a freelance writer who lives in South Florida with his significant other. He can be reached at jessemonteagudo@aol.com RAWHARD KID Posted By: JOE THOMPSON Date: THU, 12/26/02, 1:11 p.m. RAWHIDE CLOWN KID IS NOW A JERK Posted By: MISTER SPOOK Date: THU, 12/26/02, 1:04 p.m. Rawhide Kid Comics Get ready to slap leather on February 6, 2003! That lovable red-headed scamp is back! And no one handles a hot rod like the Rawhide Kid! The Rawhide Kid has been a character in the Marvel universe since the early 1950's, but it was not until writer Ron Zimmerman (who also writes for the highly controversial Howard Stern Show) approached Marvel with his idea of a homosexual Rawhide Kid that sexuality was mentioned in the discussion of the character. Marvel Comics plans to take this title to a new level and break new ground in the comic book industry by introducing the first openly gay title character. Marvel has always been interested in putting out stories that are relevant in today's society. Whenever you tackle controversial issues such as homosexuality, there is always going to be some negativity. That's just the way our society is. The success of this new title could determine if more gay super heroes will be appear in the pages of Marvel Comics. Marvel has had one other gay super hero in the past - North Star from the New Mutants series. This title will become a six-issue mini-series that will play out over the months to come. The cover image was created by Dave Johnson and the pencil work was done by John Severin. And of course, the story was written by Ron Zimmerman. This is an issue not to be missed! To reserve your copy of this groundbreaking issue from Marvel comics, please contact us today! The cover price for the Rawhide Kid will be $2.99, but reserve your copy for only $2.25 only at Comics Etc! Bookmark Comics Etc Comic Books | Our eBay Auctions ©2001-2002 Comics Etc, LLC. All rights reserved. All other comic books, titles, characters, character names, slogans, logos and related indicia are © their respective creators. just another real stupid comic stunt by the BIG TWO-THE GREAT GODS OF COMICDOM.THE GREAT BIG SALES-BIG YOU WANT TO WORK THERE COMPANIES.I thought this a comics book message board-well,you 3 might be over heels and happy the RAWHIDE KID being gay,but it is like some homo hero of yours turning suddenly strait.someone should smack marvel and joe quasada for this and so much more.don't people know you are just being used by a failing dinosaur comic company-maybe know told you but Marvel has been dying slowly since 1979-only the comic speculators,one or two selling projects and lisencing up the ass.have kept Marvel from going under 15 years ago.If Rawhide Kid started out ok,but he didn't-like all their character,someone desided to alter him-make him either or a superhero-which is basically the same thing,when you think about it.So Nothstar isn't the first gay superhero,you could say Superman or Batman are-if you look at a certain way. Sorry,I would like to agree,but I don't.I just think it is sad Marvel and other companies use dirty tricks to sell a failing property to a small market,but use em for cheap publicity. Better luck next time-ps,if any other character at Marvel is gay.my vote is all of Alpha Flight,the Thunderbolt,Jack of Hearts and and anything created by the likes of Bill Matlo-Micronautes,Rom and Woodgod comes to mind-despite girlfreinds and such,and Jim Shooter or Peter Pavid and John Byrne.THE WAY,RUMOR HAS PETER DAVID AND JOE QUASADA ARE GAY-ASK JOHN BYNRE OR SO I HEAR . MOST SUPERHEROES AND THOSE THAT READ EM ARE EITHER GAY,WANT TO BE GAY,ACT GAY,OR ARE FAG FAGS-MALE OR FEMALE-BESIDES WITH THOSE LITTLE BOYS WORSHIPPING GUYS WITH BIG MUSCLE-WHAT DO YOU EXPECT-GOOD ONE MARVEL-PERFECTO-VERY GOOD VERY GOOD.BRAVO-WHO IS NEXT ON YOUR HIT LIST-SPIDER MAN?SUPERMAN?THE X-MEN?THE AVENGERS?NICK FURY?THE ORIGINAL HUMAN TORCH? REMEMBER MAKE MARVEL MINE-CAUSE IT IS ALL GAY NOW THIS JUST PROVES THAT MARVEL WILL DO ANYTHING THESE GAYS FOR A CHEAP,DIRTY BUCK AND PUBLITY WERE,THERE IS NO MARVEL.IT ALSO PROVES THAT THEY ARE THE GREAT DINOSAUR COMPANY,THE WORLD NO LONGER NEEDS OR WANTS.THE FUTURE OF COMICS,DEAR FREINDS IS NOT IN BIZZARO LAND MARVEL AND DC,KEPT ALIVE BY BIG BUSINESS AND SUPERHERO CULTIST,BUT WITH THE VAST INDEPENDENTS. PASS IT ON.REMEMBER IT.THIS AIN'T JUST ONE COMIC,YOU DON'T READ,IT IS THE SIGN THE QUALITY AND GOOD BUSINESS SENSE OF THE SILVER AND GOLDEN AGE IS LONG GONE AND REPLACED BY THE PACK OF SOULESS,GREDDY MORONS,OUT TO KILLL THE GOLDEN GOOSE-LONG DEAD.OK,THE SPIDER MAN,X-MEN AND BLADE AND THE NET,AND ALL THESE STUPID COMICS STUNTS AND POOR MANS PT BARNUM ACTS AIN'T THE SECOND AND THIRD GOLDEN AND SILVERE AGE'S RETURN.THEY ARE JUST VERY STUPID ACTS BY VERY STUPID PEOPLE,IN PLACES WERE THEY SHOULD NOT BE. AND THE SHAME IS RAWHIDE KID AND COMICS WESTERNS OF THE FUTURE MIGHT NOW BECOME A JOKE-HEY,PUT THAT IS THE CBG NEXT MONTH. VILLAGE PEOPLE IS NOW AT MARVEL COMICSS AND THIS IS ONE BOOK-I KNOW I AM NOT BUYING-SORRY BOYS-ANOTHER REASON NOT TO BUY MARVEL OR DC.THANK YOU-NOW I CAN SAVE MONEY ON THE INDIES.THANK YOU,JOE-THANK YOU VERY MUCH-THATS THE NICEST THING YOU EVER DONE FOR ME.[THE SONG FROM THAT OLD ALBERT FINNY ''SQUOOGE ''MOVIE

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JACK HANDY
- Thursday, December 26 2002 17:59:1
* DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fUDD you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy. Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you... Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt. The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high. Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh. A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

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STAN THE MAN
- Thursday, December 26 2002 17:59:48
MARVEL COMICS IS SATIN

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PETER DAVID
- Thursday, December 26 2002 18:0:50
I AM GAY

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PETER DAVID
- Thursday, December 26 2002 18:5:35
I HATE ALL THINGS STAR TREK,STAR WARS AND LORD OF THE RINGS AND HARRY POTTER

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Melinda Daniel
Chico, CA - Monday, December 30 2002 0:8:10
I wanted to check this site out because I am a big fan of Mr. Ellison. It seems,though, that I go to bookstores and the young people (when I say young I mean younger than me at 41), don't seem to know who one of the best american writers is! My eldest daughter, a freshman in high school, just read Farenheit 451 so I asked her if she liked it and, if so would she like more books of that genre...I recommeded Ellison. Couldn't find any of his work anywhere! I had about given up when what to my wondering eyes should appear....The Essential Ellison! I bought it for myself and bought her something else. She can read it but it will go with me to my grave. Tata!!!

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GUESS WHO-JGT
TATOOINE - Monday, December 30 2002 19:30:4
MESSAGE BOARDS HOME : PC GAMEWORLD : THE CHEAT FACTORY We're expanding! Coming soon - Xbox Gameworld, PlayStation Gameworld, Cube Gameworld and more! FAQ Search Memberlist Usergroups Register Profile Login to check your private messages Login Preview Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2002 3:51 pm Post subject: TALENT SEARCH SEND SAMPLE TO MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS ... Groups, MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS, MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS@groups.msn.com, ... Links. Science Fiction. MAVERIC COMICS GROUP. SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. MAVERIC COMICS GUIDES. ... groups.msn.com/MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS/home - 27k - Cached - Similar pages MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS go to MSN.com, MSN. Groups, MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS, MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS@groups.msn.com, ... MAVERIC COMICS GROUP. SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. MAVERIC COMICS GUIDES. ... groups.msn.com/MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS/ shoebox.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=2 - 21k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from groups.msn.com ] Who is Captain Ulyseas Stark? - (14:55:36 on 10/01/02) - J ... YOUR EDITORJOSEPH GILBERT THOMPSON'[ MAVERIC COMICS GROUP PROPERTIES CREATED BY MAVERIC COMICS GROUP MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS,[SARKHON/TOREUS PROPERTIES,INC ... www.positive.org/LetsTalk/Read/65347.html - 9k - Cached - Similar pages Re: TINA SMALL MATERIAL - (06:59:19 on 01/25/02) - MAVERIC COMICS ... ... your response The Subject: Re: TINA SMALL MATERIAL At 06:59:19 on 01/25/02, MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS (CETJGT2@AOL.COM) wrote: At ... www.positive.org/LetsTalk/Read/60895.html - 7k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from www.positive.org ] Alpha Centauri's Universe: Viewing The Guest Books ... MAVERIC COMICS GROUP save and pass on to friends-after all i may never get back this way or know who you know-ok.thanks MAVERIC COMICS GROUPS http://groups.msn ... www.to-scorpio.com/changeover003.htm - 8k - Cached - Similar pages Battlestar Galactica Do Vipers fly past the speed of light? ... ... on 4/18/2002 2:39:14 AM. The commentator maveric comics inc,studios posts a bold assertion about Do Vipers fly past the speed of light? on 4/13/2002 9:03:41 AM. ... www.allscifi.com/Board.asp?BoardID=7802 - 30k - Cached - Similar pages Deep Space Nine Which character is most happy--Garak, Kira, Dax, or ... ... The commentator Maveric Comics Inc,Studios posts a bold assertion about Doctor Jared Sarkhon[Time-Sorcerer on 10/28/2002 4:35:22 PM. ... www.allscifi.com/Board.asp?BoardID=25 - 33k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from www.allscifi.com ] comics and comic supplies comics and comic supplies. Author, Subject: comics and comic supplies. Maveric Comics Inc,Studios/Joseph Gilbert Thompson, Posted At 19:31:23 01/17/2001 ... fminternet.com/forums/General/posts/3.html - 4k - Cached - Similar pages GuestPAD sign-in ... Age/Company: Maveric Comics Inc,Studios. HomePage: Maveric Comics Inc,Studios. System: Windows. ... Name: Maveric Comics Inc,Studios (WARLORD[SPIDER-MAN.]), Sep 8. ... www.guestpad.com/cgi-bin/guest.cgi?johnnybuscema - 18k - Cached - Similar pages Words & Pictures ... Maveric Comics Inc,Studios MAVERIC COMICS STUDIO,INC,Come visit my Homepage at AOL Artist & Writers workshop online. Tips, Viewpoints and Creative Study. ... www.wordsandpictures.org/ listings.cfm?categoryname=Chat%20Rooms%20%26%20Message%20Boards - 22k - Cached - Similar pages Gameworld Network Forum Index -> General discussion Post a reply Username Subject Message body Emoticons View more Emoticons Font colour: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Yellow Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Violet White Black Font size: Tiny Small Normal Large Huge Close Tags TALENT SEARCH SEND SAMPLE TO MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS ... Groups, MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS, MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS@groups.msn.com, ... Links. Science Fiction. MAVERIC COMICS GROUP. SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. MAVERIC COMICS GUIDES. ... groups.msn.com/MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS/home - 27k - Cached - Similar pages MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS go to MSN.com, MSN. Groups, MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS, MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS@groups.msn.com, ... MAVERIC COMICS GROUP. SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. MAVERIC COMICS GUIDES. ... groups.msn.com/MAVERICCOMICSINCSTUDIOS/ shoebox.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=2 - 21k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from groups.msn.com ] Who is Captain Ulyseas Stark? - (14:55:36 on 10/01/02) - J ... YOUR EDITORJOSEPH GILBERT THOMPSON'[ MAVERIC COMICS GROUP PROPERTIES CREATED BY MAVERIC COMICS GROUP MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS,[SARKHON/TOREUS PROPERTIES,INC ... www.positive.org/LetsTalk/Read/65347.html - 9k - Cached - Similar pages Re: TINA SMALL MATERIAL - (06:59:19 on 01/25/02) - MAVERIC COMICS ... ... your response The Subject: Re: TINA SMALL MATERIAL At 06:59:19 on 01/25/02, MAVERIC COMICS INC,STUDIOS (CETJGT2@AOL.COM) wrote: At ... www.positive.org/LetsTalk/Read/60895.html - 7k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from www.positive.org ] Alpha Centauri's Universe: Viewing The Guest Books ... MAVERIC COMICS GROUP save and pass on to friends-after all i may never get back this way or know who you know-ok.thanks MAVERIC COMICS GROUPS http://groups.msn ... www.to-scorpio.com/changeover003.htm - 8k - Cached - Similar pages Battlestar Galactica Do Vipers fly past the speed of light? ... ... on 4/18/2002 2:39:14 AM. The commentator maveric comics inc,studios posts a bold assertion about Do Vipers fly past the speed of light? on 4/13/2002 9:03:41 AM. ... www.allscifi.com/Board.asp?BoardID=7802 - 30k - Cached - Similar pages Deep Space Nine Which character is most gay--Garak, Kira, Dax, or ... ... The commentator Maveric Comics Inc,Studios posts a bold assertion about Doctor Jared Sarkhon[Time-Sorcerer on 10/28/2002 4:35:22 PM. ... www.allscifi.com/Board.asp?BoardID=25 - 33k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from www.allscifi.com ] comics and comic supplies comics and comic supplies. Author, Subject: comics and comic supplies. 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